It has been 3 months since the neurogenic tremors stopped. The tremors woke me up during the middle of the night, my heart rate faster than I could run from a fight or flight situation. I woke up in a pool of sweat, my body shaking. The vibrations are frightening. What’s going on?
PTSD is serious stuff.
After a week of tremors, I decided to see the doctor. Three years ago he diagnosed me with PTSD. He explained the tremors to me in no layman’s terms, which really upset me. Not everyone has a med degree, knowing all the technical terms, give it to me layman’s terms doc!
He told me all the abuses I’ve experienced over the years, my body tightened up with the adrenaline rising to its max. I’ve been on the road to healing, the adrenaline is dissipating, getting back to a normalcy and this is the reason for the tremors.
The recent stresses and anxiety are deeply rooted in childhood trauma that’s been repressed, resurfacing when I experienced various other traumatic episodes. What I’ve been physically experiencing is normal for the body considering all I’ve been through, so the doctor tells me.
Finding a release is difficult. I’ve little time for myself, with work and raising a family, added emergencies, and my two youngest children that need yielding to and much attention, I’m finding single parenting, challenging!
Lately, I’ve been taking the time I need, explaining to the children that time alone to nurture oneself is very important. I now close my bedroom door when reading or writing and when I return home from work, I go straight into my room, change my cloths and deep breath for a bit, while stretching out the days tensions. Before, the moment I walked through the door, the kids were all over me, expecting me to cook right away, telling me about the days events at school, disclosing the amount of homework, providing me with school mail, etc. They’re getting older now and have a clear understanding of why I must take the time for me. In taking time for me, I also teach them that quiet time and taking time for themselves is important for one’s mental well being.
Over the months, I needed to sit the kids down, explaining what the doctor’s told me. My kids know a little about my PTSD, triggers and the abuses I’ve experienced. In my opinion they shouldn’t know what they know for their age? Single parenting, they hear many adults conversations on the phone, etc.
Clinical depression entered my life when I was 8 years old. No child should experience what I’ve gone through! Sexual abuse, neglect and physical abuse supported with mental abuse, and no counselling, left me vulnerable to abusive relationships. Witnessing my mother’s attempted suicides did not help my mental health.
I’ve been screaming out for decades, no one was listening, and or, many simply pointed their finger at me, stereo typing the behaviour I was exhibiting.
Was I really being aggressive, or simply assertive, knowing that the abuse is wrong and standing up to the abusers? The latter is what I stand by! The relationships I was involved in and the men I attracted all showed the signs in the wheel of abuse. Not only the father of my children exhibited all the signs, his family showed most of them also.
I knew all to well about abuse.
Experiencing the abuses as a child, witnessing the relationship between my mother and step father, taught me much. However, until I was involved in the cycle myself – I was always involved in the abuse cycle – when in a relationship, I didn’t see it right away and when I did, I went into flight or fight mode. I never wanted the fight, so I went into flight because there is no reasoning with an abusers.
Was I really ever out of the abuse cycle?
Isolation
For over a decade I isolated myself. Wanted no part of the human race. I isolated myself, becoming the “black sheep of the family” If a child can’t trust his or her parent’s or people in “authority” who can they trust?
Relationships
For a moment I would like to detail many of the abuses I experienced at the hands of the paternal family of my oldest two children.
Under violence, I was being forced to accept that the father of the children opened an unlawful gaming house. I wanted no part of this business and it wasn’t going to be brought into my life!
I was never forced to drop any criminal charges against him, instead, I was forced by a criminal justice system to be interrogated by his high priced lawyers that his family always paid for. The criminal justice system and family law courts, skillfully place process and procedure in place for those that can utilize it, dragging the abuses outHe walked on all counts. They always tried to intimidate me with their high price lawyers! I was threatened from the moment I got pregnant. The family already had a lawyer before I gave birth. The family has always denied their actions, turning the abuse around, having their attorney’s skillfully attack me. I finally got away from this abusive family, however, my oldest two children exhibit abusive behaviours like the family.
During my marriage, my husband would take the keys to my car and the land line. I would look for them, unable to find in the home. The first time it happened I let it slide. When he got home I told him I could not find the phone or my keys. He would walk over to the counter and miraculously, my keys were there, and the phone, by the front door. They were not there before he got home. The next time it happened, and I confronted him, he told me I was “going crazy” I eventually left the marriage. Well, I tried to leave the marriage. He literally changed the lock on the 6 foot gate surrounding the property. Seriously, I had to call the police as he locked the babies and I in on the property. He took the phone with him, unable to call for help, I jumped the fence, running across the field to a neighbours house to use their phone.
Self care is imperative to healing ones mental health. Positive psychology tools such as positive affirmations and science based tools my Cognitive Behavioural Therapist help me increase the use of strengths and over all well being.
I’ve been in flight/defence mode since a child. My relationships suffered because of my PTSD, when violence struck, I ran as fast as I could. When tones trigger me, the child inside of me that was abused and negatively nurtured comes out and I shed a river of tears, rocking back and forth. Strengthening my emotional intelligence is at the top of my priorities.
One can’t heal around negative people, people that simply enjoy drama all the time, people that are narcissistic, who think the world revolves around them are harmful. It’s my way or the highway attitude, never helped me. Many people in my life expected me to be silent. And silent I was for decades. I lived in fear.
Anxiety
My anxiety over the years lead to self harm and disruptive behaviours. Anxiety manifests in a surprising variety of ways in part because it is based on a physiological response to a threat in the environment, a response that maximizes the body’s ability to either face danger or escape danger. So while some children exhibit anxiety by shrinking from situations or objects that trigger fears, some react with overwhelming need to break out of an uncomfortable situation. That behavior, which can be unmanageable, is often misread as anger or opposition. I’ve always been oppositional with people of “authority” My mother believes she’s an authoritative figure. She is one that subjected me to bouts of domestic violence. She attempted suicide three times when I was younger. I was unable to articulate the words to express myself. Children growing up in domestic violence don’t know its domestic violence. The violence becomes normal for them and they will act out in many oppositional ways to get the attention they need and want. However, those “authoritive” figures only respond to their children’s outbursts they way they know how to. We need a paradigm change and society must be willing to part of the change.
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